To Dad
by LiveInMyHead
Summary: Sam is around 16 years old when he writes a letter to his Dad to vent his frustrations and explain why he is determined to leave. Inspired by the song "Wasteland" by the amazing 10 Years. Lyrics at the bottom.


Sam is around 16 years old when he writes a letter to his Dad to vent his frustrations and explain why he is determined to leave. Inspired by the song "Wasteland" by the amazing 10 Years. Lyrics at the bottom.

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Disclaimer- I own nothing from the Supernatural universe.

A/N - I tend to focus on Dean's actions and motivations more than Sam's, so I wanted to try and get in Sam's head to understand why he does what he does. I think his intentions are always good, so I just wanted to explore the motives and thought I would start at the beginning. Thanks for reading!

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Dad:

You'll never see this. Not that you really need to, I don't exactly keep my feelings to myself, but I needed to do this for me. I felt the need to purge all my anger and hate, yes hate, I feel towards you. Do I love you? Yes. Do I want to? Not really. If I didn't, it would be so much easier.

My earliest memories are being four years old with only my eight year old brother to care for me. You made Dean be my Mom, Dad, brother, friend, and bodyguard. You made him the housekeeper. You made him the teacher. You made him be everything except himself. You were an icon, a representation of my father. It didn't occur to me until later that the image I had of you as "Dad" wasn't real. It was provided to me through Dean. He thought you were a hero. He thought that what you were out doing while we were scared and alone was far more important that being a lowly father. I don't blame Dean for believing in you more than I ever could. Dean believes in all of us, even though we don't deserve it, it's his greatest gift and curse.

You made me into something that had to be protected, that had to be kept in the dark. You made me question. You made me want to know everything because you never told me anything. Dean just wanted to let me stay a kid longer and I love him so much for that. I don't think your motives were that pure. I think you know something you aren't telling me. Something you won't even tell Dean. Sometimes I think it's because you don't trust me and that scares me so much. As much as I resented training and later hunting, I was grateful to finally be let into the Dad and Dean circle. It meant that I was good enough to be treated like an equal.

But I'm not, am I?

Dean will still throw himself in front of me to take all my hurts, no matter the cause. Remember when he almost died when that werewolf tore him up? Remember why that happened? It's because I was slacking off. I didn't want to be there because I had a test the next day so I was pouting. The werewolf dropped right down on me. I don't even know where Dean came from, he was just there, shielding me from those claws with his body. We almost lost him that night and all you could do was yell at him for not getting there sooner. I had a little scratch on the arm. Dean was bleeding out. Dean almost died because I wasn't paying attention and because you were going the wrong way, not for anything he did. I could name a hundred examples to illustrate my point here and not all of them were injuries from hunts. He took the hits from you too. Dean is the shield, no matter the cost to himself.

But that's what you expect, isn't it? "Protect your brother, boy!" Dean probably thinks that's his name, he hears it so much.

I am not trying to speak for Dean. I only want to speak for myself. We argue all the time. I know it tears Dean apart. It tears me apart. I just want to you see us. I want you to see what you're doing to your family. I am so filled with anger all the time and I can't stand it. I don't like how it makes me feel, what it's turning me into and I really hate what it does to Dean. You don't even notice how much he hurts. I do. I should do more about it, I should do everything I can to help him by following his lead and keeping my mouth shut, but I just scream louder trying to open your eyes because it's all I can think of to do. I don't hide my feelings because I need you to see. I have to scream twice as loud because Dean won't say anything at all. I have to be the voice of both of us, even if he just wants me to shut up. Dean may not say it, but he's dying inside too. The signs are there. You just won't look. You don't want to look. Which means you know what you're doing and you don't care. That is why I hate you.

You're forcing us to be people we don't want to be. Dean never had a chance. The second you put me in his arms the night our mother died, his fate was sealed. On the outside, Dean is strong, sturdy and steadfast all wrapped up in that pretty and cocky packaging. He's your soldier. He's my everything. It's too much weight for someone to carry. It's too much responsibility for someone to breathe under, to grow under. We've stolen his identity, the two of us. That's on both of us. On the inside, Dean is bleeding to death. Dean is drowning in guilt and fear and we can't help him. It's too late. You ripped his childhood away when he was four years old and he's never been able to look back.

Hunting the thing that killed Mom is your obsession. Dean follows you because he has to and on some level, I think he wants to. He's helping people. It makes him feel like he has purpose outside of what we need him to be. Dean can handle the life, he can thrive in it, because he does everything out of love. We do everything out of revenge and anger. We are too much alike. I hate admitting it, but it's true. We are driven, selfish and so sure we're right. It's no wonder we can't get along. All we can do is yell and push at each other, but it's as useful as screaming at yourself in the mirror. We never find common ground and it gets worse every day.

At the end of the day, I don't want to become you Dad. I don't want your obsession becoming my whole life. I want more than that, I need more than that. I just don't see how getting yourself and your children killed will honor Mom's memory. I'm pretty sure she would frown on that. You get so angry, so disappointed when I tell you this because you can't see anything beyond the life you've chosen. I can and it's beautiful. It doesn't involve monsters, blood, pain, motel rooms, and a new town every few weeks. That's what I want and I don't see why I can't have it. Shouldn't I be allowed to be my own person? Shouldn't I have a chance to do something else with my life? To see who I can be? Why do you feel so betrayed because I want to get out? Because I want to live?

The only hold that you have over me is Dean. I know it will kill something vital in Dean if I leave and I don't trust that you'll take care of him, pull him back from the edge. I think you'll just ignore him like you always do, that you'll see the perfect mask he wears to hide all his emotions and not look at what's really in his eyes. Dean's not really that hard to read, you just need to pay attention. But you've proven over and over again that you don't want to see because then you might have to do something. You might have to change. You might have to admit that you're wrong.

I can't do this anymore. I don't want to leave because leaving this life, leaving you means leaving Dean, and I'm not sure I can make it without Dean. I love him beyond myself. You've forced us to be so dependent on each other that we may never be able to exist outside of each other. Still, I think it's important we try and since you've conditioned Dean to never leave my side, I have to do it. I have to make the move. To give both of us a chance to be our own people. So I can see what I can be without the constant protection and someone always taking the consequences of my mistakes. To see what Dean can be if given some room to think about himself instead of me. I just hope it's not too late for us, especially Dean.

Damn you for making me do this to him. To me.

My mind is made up. When I graduate, I am going to college. I am going to live a normal life. I am going to give myself a chance at something beyond burying my brother, my father or ending up on a hunter's pyre myself. I am going to get away. As I said before, I am driven, selfish and so sure I'm right. I will not look back because if I do, I'll see Dean and I'll falter.

No you'll never see this and that's okay. Because I've said it all one way or another. You just don't want to see.

Sam

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10 Years - Wasteland

Change my attempt good intentions...

Crouched over  
You were not there  
Living in fear  
But signs were not really that scarce  
Obvious tears  
And I will not  
Hide you through this  
I want you to help  
Please see  
The bleeding heart perched on my shirt

Die, withdraw  
Hide in cold sweat  
Quivering lips  
Ignore remorse  
Naming a kid, living wasteland  
This time you've tried  
All that you can turning you red

Change my attempt good intentions  
Should I, could I  
Here we are with your obsession  
Should I, could I

Crowned hopeless  
The article read living wasteland  
This time you've tried  
All that you can turning you red  
but I will not  
Hide you through this  
I want you to help

Change my attempt good intentions  
Should I, could I

Here we are with your obsession  
Should I, could I

Heave the silver hollow sliver  
Piercing through another victim  
Turn and tremble be judgmental  
Ignorant to all the symbols  
Blind the face with beauty paste  
Eventually you'll one day know

Change my attempt good intentions  
Limbs tied, skin tight  
Self inflicted his perdition

Should I, could I  
Change my attempt good intentions  
Should I, could I  
Should I, could I

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Please review and thanks so much for reading!


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